Tuesday, August 1, 2017

To borrow a routine from Jeff Foxworthy, "If you talk tough, but sound like a dumb ass, you might be a cop"

Jeff Foxworthy
Jeff Foxworthy has made a nice living out of a comedy routine based on this premise: "You might be a redneck if . . . " For example, "If there are more than five McDonald's bags in your car . . . you might be a redneck."

Well, we've borrowed (OK, stolen) from Mr. Foxworthy to develop our own comedy routine. We'll admit it probably doesn't tickle the ribs quite the way ole Jeff's does, but we think it has potential. And it certainly fits with the theme of this blog.

Here is our premise: "You might be a cop if . . . "

For example, "If you can talk tough, but still sound like a dumb ass . . . you might be a cop."

Exhibit A is Greene County, Missouri, deputy Jeremy Lynn, who was on the scene for the unlawful eviction that left my wife, Carol, with a shattered left arm. Let's consider Lynn's words from his written statement about the eviction. We'll start with his version of what happened once officers burst through the front door of our duplex apartment:

The male was being verbally confrontational and resisting by non compliance to commands. Based on his actions, he was secured in handcuffs and removed from the home. He was identified as Robert (sic) Shuler.

Once outside, both parties [Carol and me] continued to scream and yell at us uncontrollably. Once we were able to calm them down, we advised them they were being evicted per a court order. Both parties continued to debate the legalities and justification of our actions. It was then explained that they were leaving per the court order, and if they wanted any property from in the home, they would need to calm down, then they would be allowed to get it.

The home had been posted before the eviction and neither party had made any effort to pack the home.

We will ignore, for now, all of the false material in these three short paragraphs, material that does not even agree with the accounts of three other officers. But let's zero in on Deputy Lynn's tough-guy routine:

* He "advised" us that we were "being evicted per a court order";

* He says Carol and I "continued to debate the legalities and justification of our actions" (With each other? With the cops?);

* He suggests cops had little interest in discussion about actual Missouri law, so it was explained that we "were leaving per the court order."

Jeremy Lynn
As you can see, Lynn's tough-guy routine consists mostly of tossing around heavy lingo about a court order. But he winds up looking like a dumb ass because . . . well, there was no court order. We've shown that in two previous posts. (See here and here.) In fact, there could not be a valid court order because the judge in the rent-and-possession claim brought by landlord Trent Cowherd had issued only an interlocutory judgment. That means it was not final, was not appealable, and could not support execution of an eviction.

Lynn only adds to his dumbassery by acting aghast -- even verklempt -- that we had made no effort to pack the home.

Uh, officer, maybe that's because there had been no court order, signed by a judge, instructing us to leave. The Notice of Appeal we had filed the day before -- placing a stay on execution -- also might have had something to do with it.

If Jeremy Lynn had three brain cells to rub together, he might have looked at the court docket and seen the judgment was labeled "interlocutory," and a hearing was set for 10/1/15 to hear additional issues in the case. That meant no final judgment would be forthcoming until sometime after 10/1/15.

If Jeremy Lynn could figure stuff like that out, he wouldn't be a dumb ass. If he weren't a dumb ass, he probably wouldn't be a cop -- and he'd have no need for the tough-guy routine.


Anonymous said...

Love Jeff Foxworthy.

Anonymous said...


Might need to 'grade on the curve' is some areas to get near average.

Anonymous said...

That cop sounds a lot like a gym teacher I had in high school.

legalschnauzer said...

@9:02 --

Hah! Thanks for sharing. Certainly fits with our subject matter. From the ABC News story:

A man whose bid to become a police officer was rejected after he scored too high on an intelligence test has lost an appeal in his federal lawsuit against the city.

The 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in New York upheld a lower court’s decision that the city did not discriminate against Robert Jordan because the same standards were applied to everyone who took the test. . . .

Jordan, a 49-year-old college graduate, took the exam in 1996 and scored 33 points, the equivalent of an IQ of 125. But New London police interviewed only candidates who scored 20 to 27, on the theory that those who scored too high could get bored with police work and leave soon after undergoing costly training.

The average score nationally for police officers is 21 to 22, the equivalent of an IQ of 104, or just a little above average.

Anonymous said...

My favorite:

"If you've ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be a redneck."

legalschnauzer said...

@9:07 --

I think everyone had a gym teacher like that, sort of like the one on "Beavis and Butt-head."

I had Coach Price at Glendale High School in Springfield, MO. His memorable phrase:

"You'd better give your soul to the man upstairs 'cause I'm gonna have your butt."

I still use that phrase from time to time, as a joke, and Mrs. Schnauzer finds it amusing. I think Coach Price has gone to that big gymnasium in the sky, but his philosophy lives on.

Anonymous said...

I think Coach Price is still ticking. Here is story about his induction into Springfield Sports Hall of Fame:


I had him at Glendale, too, and think about him all the time. Great guy beneath that rough exterior. BTW, I thought you went to Kickapoo.

legalschnauzer said...

@9:36 --

Thanks for correcting me and sending the link. Glad to hear Coach Price is still with us. I actually had him for study hall, not gym.

Yes, I went to Kickapoo for three years and graduated in 1974. But I went to Glendale for my freshman year (1970-71) before Kickapoo opened. I got to play freshman basketball with Tom Shultz, who I think might still be the greatest basketball player ever to come out of Springfield. The phrase "white men can't jump" didn't apply to Tom. I was assigned to guard him most every day in practice, and I can attest that he definitely could jump. He went on to play at Vanderbilt, and I think he's an OB/GYN here in town now. His older brother, Roland Shultz, also was an all-time great at Glendale. Lots of good hoopsters have gone through that school.

S C said...

If peanut butter has ever caused you to lose more than a dozen inmates, you might be a redneck

legalschnauzer said...

SC --

Hah, good one. For those who haven't kept up with the peanut butter/Alabama jail story, here is URL to story: