One Judge Livens Up the Bench With Corn-Pone Comedy

Judge Martin J. Sheehan

Receiving judicial orders in the mail is one of life's most distasteful experiences. Judicial orders tend to be less-than-compelling reading. And they almost always are the intellectual equivalent of horse excrement--emitting a foul odor while having nothing to do with the actual facts and law at hand. At least that has been my experience.

So I could not help but appreciate one judge's efforts to spice up his orders by adding some country humor that seems right out of Hee Haw.

Martin J. Sheehan, a circuit judge in Kenton County, Kentucky, gives the impression that he was rather pleased to see a settlement in a case styled Barbara Kissel v. Schwartz Maines and Ruby Co., LPA, et al. How happy was Sheehan to receive word of the settlement? This is from his order--and you be the judge:

And such news of an amicable settlement having made this Court happier than a tick on a fat dog because it is otherwise busier than a cat in a sand box and, quite frankly, would have rather jumped naked off a twelve-foot step ladder into a five-gallon bucket of porcupines than have presided over a two-week trial of the herein dispute, a trial which, no doubt, would have made the jury more confused than a hungry baby in a topless bar and made the parties and their attorneys madder than a mosquito in a mannequin factory;

IT IS THEREFORE ORDERED AND ADJUDGED by the court as follows:

1. The jury trial scheduled herein for July 13, 2011, is hereby CANCELED.

You can almost hear Sheehan shouting, "Can I have an amen?"

I have no idea if Martin J. Sheehan is an honest and/or competent judge. But I like the guy, by golly. At least he put some thought into his order--and tried to make something positive out of the usual sludge that comes with a court case. That is far more than I can say for most judges.

You can check out Sheehan's full order in the Kissel case below:


Judge's Corn-Pone Order