Barack Obama almost certainly is the most athletic president in the history of the United States. Anyone who has seen video of Obama playing basketball knows the man is a legit athlete.
The 48-year-old Obama is lean, graceful, coordinated--and married to the hottest First Lady ever. So why does the White House keep letting him look like a klutz when he goes into unfamiliar sports surroundings?
This is typical of Democrats. They've got an attractive, robust, sports-minded president--and they don't know how to showcase him. If someone would drag Rahm Emanuel away from kissing Lindsey Graham's butt, maybe the White House staff could figure out a way to help the president. In fact, we've got a plan for accomplishing just that.
But first, let's check out the latest example of Obama flopping on a sporting stage. It came Monday when the president threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the season opener for the Washington Nationals baseball team. With apologies to our female readers, Obama threw the pitch like a girl. And I'm not talking about girls who play high-school and college softball and look like Nolan Ryan when they fire the ball around. I'm talking about, say, a 6-year-old girl who never has tried throwing a spherical object before.
Not only did Obama exhibit poor form, but he got a poor result. The pitch was soft and loopy, and it sailed so far outside that the Nationals' Ryan Zimmerman almost had to lunge to keep it from going to the backstop. Let's check out the presidential pitch:
Now that is not acceptable. Democrats constantly are being portrayed by the other side as soft and squishy. So why do we let our studly, athletic president look like he can't play hardball?
It conjured up images of Obama's pathetic effort at bowling during the presidential campaign. He bowled a 37, and that's even worse than the "gentleman's 40" J.D. scored on a hilarious episode of Scrubs. Who can forget the images of Obama rolling one gutter ball after another? Remember?
That was so bad it could have cost Obama the White House. And it's a shame because the guy is an athlete. Check out Obama draining a three-point shot on a basketball court in Kuwait:
Now I've spent a fair amount of time bowling, throwing baseballs, and shooting basketballs. The most challenging of the three, by far, is basketball. I've spent major chunks of my 30-year journalism career covering sports, and it's my considered opinion that the most demanding game of them all is basketball.
So a guy who can play hoops the way Obama can should easily be able to be decent at bowling and baseball. After much study, our crack Legal Schnauzer team has figured out the presidential problem. And we are offering our services to help fix it.
For years, we've been inundated with images of GOP presidents like Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush exhibiting their "manhood" by chopping wood or clearing brush. Obama is more virile than those doofuses could have ever dreamed--did I mention that he's married to the hottest First Lady ever?--and it's time he looked the part.
At the risk of diving into the minefield of racial stereotypes, here's the deal with Obama: He's our first black president, and he excels at basketball, the quintessential "city" game. His problem comes when he tries his hand at what we will delicately call "honky sports."
Who is into bowling? White guys with beer guts in Milwaukee. Who is into baseball? White guys with beer guts in St. Louis.
As a white guy who grew up in the Midwest, I know of what I speak. As a service to my country, I'm willing to help Obama with honky sports. And I'll put my honky creds up against anybody's.
If I had been Director of Honky Sports at the White House, here is what we would have done prior to the first pitch at the Nationals game: About a week before the game, the president and I would have spent about 30 minutes to an hour each day playing catch on the White House lawn. I would have tweaked his delivery a little to remove that girlish motion. But with just a little practice, that probably would have gone away on its own. (I'm convinced that the reason girls tend to throw like girls is that they are not used to throwing a lot. After all, throwing overhand is an unnatural motion. Scientists know the human arm was designed to move down and under, not up and over; that's why baseball pitchers have so many arm problems, and softball pitchers almost never have arm problems. Let a girl throw overhand on a regular basis, and her motion soon doesn't look so girlish. The same thing would have happened with the president. Unfortunately, he has a few things on his mind besides worrying about how he looks throwing a baseball.)
On the big day, we would not have dressed the president in street clothes, with uncomfortable shoes. We would have put him in a spiffy-looking warmup--with Washington Nationals logo, if necessary--that was loose enough to allow him free movement, and he would have been wearing athletic shoes of some sort. About thirty minutes before the big pitch, we would have gone to a private place inside the stadium to stretch and warmup. When the big moment arrived, Obama would have wound up--with a classic, silky left-hander's motion--and fired a fastball right down the middle that would have almost knocked Ryan Zimmerman on his ass.
The result? The video would have gone viral on YouTube, Obama's approval numbers would have shot through the roof, and Democrats would be preparing to dominate the November elections.
See what a difference Legal Schnauzer could make? And Mrs. Schnauzer and I are willing to sacrifice for our country.
So here is our proposal: Thanks to the Republican/corporate slimebags who run Alabama, we both have been cheated out of our jobs in the worst economy since the Great Depression. Unemployment in Alabama is in the double digits, and jobs are scarce, so finding work for two folks in their 50s who have "firings" on their resumes has been damn near impossible. Because of that, we might not be able to keep a roof over our heads at some point. We could come to a point where we will need to turn to someone and say, "Gimme shelter."
But we have a proposal that could help us--and the country. We ask that the Obamas take us in at the White House. In exchange, we help their poll numbers go through the roof.
I'll do my part by helping Barack master the intricacies of honky sports. (I suck at golf, but I have a friend who used to be a college golf coach. My friend is more or less a Republican, but I suspect he wouldn't mind giving the president of the United States golf lessons. Anyway, my plan is to sub-contract out the golfing stuff.)
Mrs. Schnauzer will become Director of White House Pet Care. She will take over care of Bo, the First Family's Portuguese water dog, and develop a plan for enhancing his profile. She also will create a charming White House menagerie that middle America will love.
This, of course, will include our own two Tonkinese kitty kats, Baxter and Chloe. Both are photogenic and will appeal to the folks who have made LOL Cats one of the most popular Web sites ever. Mrs. Schnauzer will add at least two new dogs to the mix--a miniature schnauzer, of course, and a lovable mixed breed that will appeal to the millions of Americans who are concerned about the need to find homes for many domestic animals.
Adding two or three White House bunny rabbits, the presidential tropical fish tank, and a bird or two might be a good idea. In fact, Mrs. Schnauzer is developing a proposal to get a parakeet and teach him to say charming phrases like "Rove sucks, squawk!" and "Cheney's a criminal, aacck!"
Wouldn't Americans taking the White House tour be entertained by that?
Mrs. Schnauzer will put together a plan to use the White House pets, along with adorable first daughters Sasha and Malia, for maximum impact. When Obama is facing a potentially divisive issue, a photo op with the girls and their pets will suddenly appear on the schedule--and the nation will let out a collective, "Awwwwww." Potential problem dissolves.
Mrs. Schnauzer and I understand something that the Obamas might not fully grasp: For better or worse, this still is a honky nation. Honkies, to a great extent, still decide national elections. So you have to know how to appeal to honkies. And this we know: Honkies love their honky sports and their honky pets.
So bring Mrs. Schnauzer and me to Washington, and we will share our expertise in honkiness with you. It's what we know, it's who we are. And together, we can kick Republican tail in November--and well into the future.