Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Miss California Isn't The Only Conservative Female Hypocrite Out There

Thanks to Carrie Prejean, Miss California in the Miss USA contest, conservative female hypocrisy has become front-page news.

But Ms. Prejean, who it was announced yesterday will keep her crown, is hardly alone when it comes to women who are phony balonies about their "conservative values."

In fact, we know of a wannabe movie star who has Alabama roots and probably is a far bigger phony than Carrie Prejean could ever think of being. For good measure, our "Hollywood conservative" has strong connections to our Legal Schnauzer story.

Prejean stepped in doo-doo when, after declaring herself a gold-plated Christian and trashing the idea of gay marriage, semi-nude photographs of her showed up on the Web.

That didn't look so good. But when it comes to female conservative hypocrisy, Ms. Prejean is a minor leaguer compared to Barret Swatek.

Who is Barret Swatek? You've probably never heard the name because she is a 32-year-old "actress" with hardly a decent credit to her name. Perhaps she is best known for a recurring role in the television series 7th Heaven from 2000 to 2003.

She was in the hit movie, The 40 Year Old Virgin, as "bar girl." I haven't seen the movie, but I understand Swatek shared billing with a potted plant. I hear that if you bent down to take a sip of your Coke, you missed her "star turn."

What are her connections to our Legal Schnauzer tale? Swatek grew up in Birmingham, and her father is William E. Swatek, the sleazebag attorney who filed a bogus lawsuit against me on behalf of our criminally inclined neighbor, Mike McGarity. Daddy Swatek has a 30-year history of ethical violations with the Alabama State Bar, including a suspension of his license and a criminal trial on perjury charges.

Barret Swatek's brother is Dax Swatek, a Republican "consultant" in Montgomery with ties to Bill Canary, Karl Rove, and other GOP "luminaries." Interestingly, news comes today that Dax's name appears in a subpoena as part of an investigation of Alabama Attorney General Troy King. That could get interesting. More on that coming up pronto. I'm hearing that Dax has some other potentially major legal woes on his plate. Hmmm.

Another brother, Chace Swatek, reportedly flunked the California bar exam and flopped as a real-estate developer on Alabama's Gulf Coast before returning home to try his hand in Daddy's slimy law practice.

Since Barret Swatek has a scant track record and little discernible talent, her main claim to fame seems to be that she is a "Hollywood conservative." Gee, she's even appeared with Sean Hannity. What a gal!

How does Swatek display her bedrock conservative values? Well, she has an interesting way of doing that.

The New York Post reported in 2004 that Swatek and Hollywood producer Mike DeLuca had been an item for about a year. Calling DeLuca a "tomcat," the Post reported:

FORMER New Line and DreamWorks mogul Mike DeLuca (now an independent producer) has a new girlfriend -- "7th Heaven" actress Barret Swatek , 27. To many people's surprise in Hollywood, DeLuca, who is known as a tomcat, has dated Swatek for almost a year. They've been through a lot. In a romantic mishap six months ago, "Mike was carrying her down the stairs of his home and missed a step," a source reports. The two went tumbling down the stairs "and they both broke their ankles. They were seen all around town in matching casts and crutches." Swatek is said to be a die-hard pro-George Bush Republican like DeLuca.

How cute! They were both for Dubya.

Is DeLuca really a tomcat? You might say that--if you want to give tomcats a bad name.

DeLuca has had his share of hits on the big screen--The Mask, Dumb and Dumber, Seven, Boogie Nights, Wag the Dog. But he seems to have a fondness for receiving oral sex--in public places. As one reporter put it:

Michael De Luca is best known for receiving a blowjob at age 32 from the sister of actor Cary Elwes and producer Cassian Elwes in front of guests (such as ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGER, EMMA THOMPSON, JOHN MALKOVICH and QUENTIN TARANTINO) at a pre-Oscar party thrown by then head of the William Morris motion picture division, Arnold Rifkin at his home in March, 1998. De Luca and the woman were escorted from the party by security guards.

DeLuca's "tomcat" ways don't end there:

At his surprise 32nd birthday party at Lucky Cheng's in New York, De Luca was photographed having a transvestite lick whipped cream off his bare chest for a photo spread in Creme & SuGar magazine.

And you gotta love these conservative values:

De Luca exudes a don't-give-a-damn attitude. He has a record of public fistfights and drunken driving. He prefers to wear denim and leather over suits and ties and enjoys riding a Harley.

Heck, this guy would have been a perfect fit in the Family Swatek. But alas, it appears he and Barret went their separate ways. Maybe he was too conservative for her.

At last report, our gal Barret is starring in an Internet sitcom called My Two Fans. (Sounds like an appropriate title.) The Swateks must have connections at The Birmingham News because the newspaper goes to almost comic lengths in an attempt to portray Barret as a legit movie star.

The paper recently tabbed her "Queen of the World Wide Web."

I've got news for our local fishwrapper. Being called "Queen of the World Wide Web" ain't exactly a compliment. Quite a few "queens of the Web" probably draw far bigger audiences than Barret Swatek ever will. They are called amateur porn stars.

Mike De Luca probably would like to meet them.


Anonymous said...

Nice. Don't like somebody, you trash his kids. How "progressive" of you.

Anonymous said...

Schnauzers the Slime bag who thinks he has it all figured out.Roger you are one Dumb Ass -U dont have a clueee

Anonymous said...

Sir, you are a cruel, bitter, angry man. Only one with no self respect or self-confidence seeks it through tearing down others. You are a sad person, and I'll pray for you.

justin hinkle said...

Hey Douche Bag! Why all of the Hate! Obama is the Pres now so that must mean that your side of the aisle rules the world now. Why bash Barrett, someone you have obviously never met. We all have to make our way in this world and I havent heard her talk about YOU on RED EYE. Guess you arent important enough to even merit mention. Why dont you crawl back under that rock you came out of and shut your yap. Hate never got anyone anythng good. Praying for you wont help.


Justin B. Hinkle
Birmingham Alabama

legalschnauzer said...


Thanks for an interesting comment. You had the courage to sign your name--or at least a name--so I give you credit for that. All of the pro-Swatek e-mail I get is anonymous, and usually includes various forms of threats.

You say I have hate re: Barret Swatek. What's hateful about my post? Is something in it not true? When I think about bashing someone, I think of making false statements about someone. Is there something false in my post?

You reference "praying for me," so I assume that means you are a Christian. And yet you open your comment by referring to me as a douche bag. How do you square that kind of statement with your supposed Christian faith?

What is Red Eye, by the way? I've never heard of it.

You seem to know the Swateks and think they are fine and dandy people. Feel free to share some specifics, what makes you feel that way. How much do you really know about the Swateks?

I know a lot, and I'm going to be running a series of documents soon that will provide all sorts of interesting information.

Hope you will stay tuned.


James Greek said...

I wonder if Chace ever took the bar exam in Alabama. Maybe he didn't have too be suse of daddy Bill and big brother Dax! Too bad Deluca didn't stay with Barret. They could have gotten married and he would have fit in perfectly with the fam and if Chace was a good boy and studied hard fr the California bar exam, he'll he and Arnie Becker would have been great together!

Anonymous said...

Reading your blog. It seems you have a hatred of anything GOP. If you are so concerned about the law why do you not write about John Teague? Seigleman pardoned the crooked felon. Now he is the top lobbyist. Hmmm might be because he is in with the Democrats!

legalschnauzer said...


You seem to be a little off on your facts. From the Montgomery Advertiser:

"In 2001, lobbyists John Teague and Johnny Moore pleaded guilty to underpaying their federal income taxes. They were both convicted, along with former state Transportation Director Jimmy Butts, for what prosecutors at the time said was their role in a scheme to line up consulting contracts with cities and others seeking Butts' approval of highway projects and grants. Moore and Teague were sentenced to six months. But their plea agreements specified that no law prevented them from returning to lobbying and consulting because of their convictions. Teague, a former legislator, would go on to receive a full pardon in 2004."

The pardon came in 2004, while Bob Riley was governor. Other articles say it was approved by the board of pardons and paroles.

Anonymous said...

Bitter old man that needs to get laid. That about sums it up. Nice work on the YouTube video! The quality is worse than a 70's porno and you come off looking like the biggest jackass to ever wear out of style Porsche sunglasses.

legalschnauzer said...

I wasn't aware that I had Porsche sunglasses. Thanks for the fashion tip. As I recall, some '70s pornos drew awfully big audiences, so I will take that as a compliment. Appreciate it.

Anonymous said...

You should call yourself "The Legal Sandusky" with your passion and affinity for going after someone's children. It's even more fitting since you look just like the accused child molester. You're a pitiful old man.

legalschnauzer said...

Going after someone's children? How so?

And whose children are you referring to?

Anonymous said...

How can you ask "Going after someone's children-- how so?" Are you attempting to be clever, or seriously being dense?
Your awareness of Barrett Swatek only came about thanks to your relentless obsession with her father-- which was birthed by your loss of a lawsuit. Didn't your Mommy teach you that nobody likes a sore loser?
"Cruel, bitter, angry man" is likely the most apt description of you ever uttered. I might add lamentably obsessive. Or side with Justin Hinkle and just call you a douche bag-- which is honestly more than you deserve.
It's cute that you enabled comment moderation, by the way. It's so much easier to get in a win when you only let people see the comments to which you have what you imagine to be a clever retort.
You're an asshole.
--Elisabeth Seacott, Birmingham

legalschnauzer said...

Can you point to anything in the post that is inaccurate?

Thanks for showing your true colors. No wonder you fit in with the Swatek family. You're a class act, that's quite apparent.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like Elisabeth Seacott of Birmingham has, er, feelings for Barrett Swatek that may not even be legal in Alabama. She sounds like a really classy southern belle, who knew trailer parks had charm school?