Miss California Isn't The Only Conservative Female Hypocrite Out There

Thanks to Carrie Prejean, Miss California in the Miss USA contest, conservative female hypocrisy has become front-page news.

But Ms. Prejean, who it was announced yesterday will keep her crown, is hardly alone when it comes to women who are phony balonies about their "conservative values."

In fact, we know of a wannabe movie star who has Alabama roots and probably is a far bigger phony than Carrie Prejean could ever think of being. For good measure, our "Hollywood conservative" has strong connections to our Legal Schnauzer story.

Prejean stepped in doo-doo when, after declaring herself a gold-plated Christian and trashing the idea of gay marriage, semi-nude photographs of her showed up on the Web.

That didn't look so good. But when it comes to female conservative hypocrisy, Ms. Prejean is a minor leaguer compared to Barret Swatek.

Who is Barret Swatek? You've probably never heard the name because she is a 32-year-old "actress" with hardly a decent credit to her name. Perhaps she is best known for a recurring role in the television series 7th Heaven from 2000 to 2003.

She was in the hit movie, The 40 Year Old Virgin, as "bar girl." I haven't seen the movie, but I understand Swatek shared billing with a potted plant. I hear that if you bent down to take a sip of your Coke, you missed her "star turn."

What are her connections to our Legal Schnauzer tale? Swatek grew up in Birmingham, and her father is William E. Swatek, the sleazebag attorney who filed a bogus lawsuit against me on behalf of our criminally inclined neighbor, Mike McGarity. Daddy Swatek has a 30-year history of ethical violations with the Alabama State Bar, including a suspension of his license and a criminal trial on perjury charges.

Barret Swatek's brother is Dax Swatek, a Republican "consultant" in Montgomery with ties to Bill Canary, Karl Rove, and other GOP "luminaries." Interestingly, news comes today that Dax's name appears in a subpoena as part of an investigation of Alabama Attorney General Troy King. That could get interesting. More on that coming up pronto. I'm hearing that Dax has some other potentially major legal woes on his plate. Hmmm.

Another brother, Chace Swatek, reportedly flunked the California bar exam and flopped as a real-estate developer on Alabama's Gulf Coast before returning home to try his hand in Daddy's slimy law practice.

Since Barret Swatek has a scant track record and little discernible talent, her main claim to fame seems to be that she is a "Hollywood conservative." Gee, she's even appeared with Sean Hannity. What a gal!

How does Swatek display her bedrock conservative values? Well, she has an interesting way of doing that.

The New York Post reported in 2004 that Swatek and Hollywood producer Mike DeLuca had been an item for about a year. Calling DeLuca a "tomcat," the Post reported:

FORMER New Line and DreamWorks mogul Mike DeLuca (now an independent producer) has a new girlfriend -- "7th Heaven" actress Barret Swatek , 27. To many people's surprise in Hollywood, DeLuca, who is known as a tomcat, has dated Swatek for almost a year. They've been through a lot. In a romantic mishap six months ago, "Mike was carrying her down the stairs of his home and missed a step," a source reports. The two went tumbling down the stairs "and they both broke their ankles. They were seen all around town in matching casts and crutches." Swatek is said to be a die-hard pro-George Bush Republican like DeLuca.

How cute! They were both for Dubya.

Is DeLuca really a tomcat? You might say that--if you want to give tomcats a bad name.

DeLuca has had his share of hits on the big screen--The Mask, Dumb and Dumber, Seven, Boogie Nights, Wag the Dog. But he seems to have a fondness for receiving oral sex--in public places. As one reporter put it:

Michael De Luca is best known for receiving a blowjob at age 32 from the sister of actor Cary Elwes and producer Cassian Elwes in front of guests (such as ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGER, EMMA THOMPSON, JOHN MALKOVICH and QUENTIN TARANTINO) at a pre-Oscar party thrown by then head of the William Morris motion picture division, Arnold Rifkin at his home in March, 1998. De Luca and the woman were escorted from the party by security guards.

DeLuca's "tomcat" ways don't end there:

At his surprise 32nd birthday party at Lucky Cheng's in New York, De Luca was photographed having a transvestite lick whipped cream off his bare chest for a photo spread in Creme & SuGar magazine.

And you gotta love these conservative values:

De Luca exudes a don't-give-a-damn attitude. He has a record of public fistfights and drunken driving. He prefers to wear denim and leather over suits and ties and enjoys riding a Harley.

Heck, this guy would have been a perfect fit in the Family Swatek. But alas, it appears he and Barret went their separate ways. Maybe he was too conservative for her.

At last report, our gal Barret is starring in an Internet sitcom called My Two Fans. (Sounds like an appropriate title.) The Swateks must have connections at The Birmingham News because the newspaper goes to almost comic lengths in an attempt to portray Barret as a legit movie star.

The paper recently tabbed her "Queen of the World Wide Web."

I've got news for our local fishwrapper. Being called "Queen of the World Wide Web" ain't exactly a compliment. Quite a few "queens of the Web" probably draw far bigger audiences than Barret Swatek ever will. They are called amateur porn stars.

Mike De Luca probably would like to meet them.